At the age of 20 i seem to have this expectation that would have accmplished something by this time. Yet i reflect on the years that have gone yet i cant seem to pinpoint a moment where i made a difference in anything or to anyone. Not though a lack or trying. just a shy little kid, Who did nothing but stay quiet and sit in his room for hours at a time, either stuffing his face or ruin his vision for staring hours at the glowing box in front of him.
My parents tell me "Matt your only 20, your life just started". Well then what the hell were the last 20 years? My joy ride, no, nothing like that. Where most kids were either finding there special talent and mastering it for there destined careers down the road. I was eating microwave pizza and watching Tom and Jerry.
No one i can blame for any of that but myself. But i'm not crying about, no that would be pathetic, i'm just wondering where all the time went. I honestly thought i would have more time for sleeping in on Saturdays and playing video games till 3AM. But it seems whenever something that resembles a plan pops in my head, two weeks will fly by with nothing progressing.
Sure there are talents I've gained from experience. Like having a nack at drawing things on the fly, Being able to stay calm in the heat of conflict, There are things I even know about video games, like how they work and the industry that makes them. But it seems like even then, there are things that have completely missed or were unaware of. Time wasted twiddling my finger to the drum of a hollow beat. I've kid myself into thinking i could do other things like writing fiction, Critiquing random things, Voice acting, Editing, Cultural study, Basketball, Sociology, Pet care, Historical myth study, Analysis in fiction. The list goes on and on. But it just keeps building up to very little effort to thin it.
But don't be confused, this isn't the random ramblings of a man who hates his life and wishes he could turn back the clock. No this random of ramblings of a very confused and very socially awkward man who cant seem to get off his ass and do something with his life. Always sitting there waiting for a hand to pick him up and take him somewhere for something to do.
Will i ever change? Beats the hell out of me. All i can hope for is something to inspire me. Giving the nice swift kick in the balls that i need to get my life on track so i wont be sitting up at 3AM writing some random blog post that nobody will read in this lifetime or the next, provided they have internet in the next one.
